Forgive the meme. I have spent the last several weeks battling the four horsemen of linux, apache, mysql, and php to merely hold my ground against the inevitable tide of entropy. Although it does seem faster. Enjoy continuing to exist.
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Ngl that sounds pretty rough bro, sounds like you got problems trying to find the right Linux OS for you lol nice meme regardless.
Problem is she is already using artificial eyes which probably have web server built in.
LAMP is quite old. Maybe try some linux, nginx, postgres, python/js?